F*ck You National Geographic
Ok. I’m going to try to write this as coherently as possible, without it sounding like a rambling mess. But no promises.. my body is lathered in Tecnu, which makes it really hard to type.
I woke up early this morning, fresh from being inspired the night before by watching about 4 hours of National Geographic, mostly about redwood trees. I’ve been working on a little piece for a magazine about “cathedral rings” in redwood trees (sounds like a sexual term, right?) and have been pretty obsessed with it for the past couple weeks. I have most of the writing I need but didn’t have the photographs to go with it, so, at 7am, off for a hike I went.
There’s a gorgeous place to hike surrounded by redwoods only ten minutes away from my house, and I like to go there first thing in the morning to capture morning light and fool around with my camera. This morning I didn’t find the rings I was looking for, but as I was walking closer and closer to the creek, I found a few species of fabulous little mushrooms. At about this time I found myself a little lost, since the main trail was far behind me and the trail I thought I was on was really just a deer trail that lead to nowhere. I was very “zen” about it for about an hour, reminding myself I am one with nature (or something) and the worst that could happen was I could happen upon a bear cub nest and curl up with them for the rest of the morning eating honey and napping in their luxurious fur. Then we’d all wake up and they’d lead me back to the main trail, waving at me while I trotted off home.
This however, did not happen.
Another 20 minutes into me going deeper into the forest and walking right along the edge of the creek; I was over walking, over taking pictures, and coming to the realization cashmere scarves and Uggs in fact DO NOT make good hiking companions. But still, I walked. And walked. And walked. Until I was faced with a (seemingly but who knows) 40 foot cliff which lead to the main trail head – or the decision to hike back the way I came, going like, 6 miles out of the way, in the creek. My decision was to climb. (I’ve watched thousands – nay – hundreds of Nat. Geo’s where they climb and it really doesn’t look that hard) As I ascended the cliff (I use the term “ascended” loosely as it was really me just flailing around, digging my nails in to the mud and redwood needle debris, and shouting out things like, “National Geographic sucks balls! This is lame and I have no camera crew!”) I looked up to only see groves of redwood trees and fern fronds all up in my grill. It was beautiful (or what ever) but at this point I was so over nature and just wanted to go home, eat breakfast, and curl up to a season of Sex and the City like any other normal girl (or guy).
And then I heard it: “IT’S NOT THAT BAD!”. I looked up and replied (while still clinging to the fucking cliff, might I add) “JESUS!? Is that you??”
It turns out a bicyclist saw my whole fiasco, since he was about 100 feet above me the whole time cycling, and while coming the loop down, he heard me badmouthing Nat Geo. He helped toss me up the hill, all the while defending Nat. Geo and asking why I decided to go through the poison oak patch – rather than start climbing only ten feet away where there clearly was no poison oak.
“My methods are none of your concern”, I told him, and quickly jumped to my feet while dusting off the redwood needles in my hair and clothes, and trying to maintain some dignity. “I do this ALL the time”, I said.
“Sure”, he replied.
23 Responses to “F*ck You National Geographic”
Botanically Belize
“My methods are none of your concern” = best. retort. ever.
Particularly while clambering through poison oak.
Hahahaha, that was such a funny post. I’m sorry you got poison oak. Feel better soon.
You are hilarious! Do you want to be a guinea pig and try my soap for poison oak? I will send it to you lickety split if you end up with that nastiness all over your body. Let me know.
Bwaha ha ha ha! I’m sorry but that was so funny! I’ve found my way out of a few dense forests, once in flip flop (which are sooo not good for a hike!)You do what you got to do!
I’m so glad my near death experience is giving you all a laugh!
I hope everyone enjoys the pic.’s a little more this post, as me and the camera barely made it out alive!
*OH, and as of now (10:16am, Monday) No poison oak outbreak! Yaaay!
Oh no!! That sounds truly awful. Good luck with the rash.
Oh, that just made my day. I thought I was the only one who did stupid crap like that.
Thanks for sharing, please keep an update about this info. love to read it more. i like this site too much. Good theme
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OMG! We took the easy way out and drove up to Avenue of the Giants and Redwood National Park. You just pull over, walk around a little, see the trees of awesomeness, then get back in to the comfort of your vehicle. We watched that crazy Nat. Geographic show too
P.S. They have two Cathedral Rings at Trees of Mystery. One is so huge people actually get married in it.
OMG Megan! You found my perfect wedding site! Now you need to just find me my husband… ok?
Delightful! Reminds me of a “hike” I took with a friend who was running a spotted owl monitoring program (note: owls fly, don’t need trails). We were on a trail for the first 4 minutes, and the next 3 hours were SO off the trail in SUCH steep and wet and slick terrain, and I was so concerned for my welfare, that at one point my friend (who was totally used to this) was yammering away and I said “Uh, I’m a little outside my comfort zone, so can we talk later?” =) According to her, that was not an extra scary hike. Wow! Glad you’re well and nice pics!=)
Well gee, at least you had your dignity when you let him know you knew EXACTLY what you were doing. Can’t let a man think he got the best of you even if he really was right and was funny about it too. Who knew that stupid clear patch was only 10 feet away? Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Too darn funny! I do hope you get better as poison oak is no fun despite the story you have to go with it. Next time be sure to bring a camera crew! lol
Hey! Thanks for stopping by EMG, I like your sassy site!
xo
Eco Mama
I’m sorry, but I’m giggling over here. National Geographic has a lot of explaining to do!
Love the fungi captures – they’re awesome!
Appreciate your inforamtion. It is just too greeeeat!
LOL. I never thought to cuss out Nat Geo, but I’ve made similar utterances just hiking around the dang slopes on this property! I hope the Tecnu works for you. Doesn’t do a darn thing for hubby. On the upside, you got a fabulous photo of that banana slug, and without them, there’s a good chance we wouldn’t have our redwood forests! Next time though, if you get lost, just walk on the deer trail…I’m sure they all lead to my garden anyway
I loved reading this post. Wonderful writing and lovely pictures.
Having grown up on the Central Coast and had my fair share of nasty poison oak experiences (from peeing on a plant — doh! — to, like you, ascending up a silly cliff-face), I’ve learned that one of the most ecstatic things you can do is slather on Technu and then get pelted in the shower with hot water. Yes, I know hot water is bad for poison oak, but the nearly orgasmic, Technu-inspired moments provide at least a few minutes amidst the suffering!
My girlfriend suggested this blog and she was totally right, keep it up!
i hike in uggs, too, and mine are now trashed! just used my first sump pump in them in a torrential downpour last night, too.
sorry you got poison oak. love the shroom shots! we are swamped by crazy storms right now and i noticed tons of them around here–unusual for us, we live in a watered desert. if i get that macro lens from santa…
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